The acronym is familiar to me, as it is to anyone who has access to
mass media in the western world and can read, watch and listen to how it’s “breaking”
young men and women returning from military deployments. It’s familiar to me as
a veteran, who has known and worked with many whose records bear those letters.
I witness every day how it colors the words and actions of someone I love.
But recently, PTSD hit me in a new way.
As of last week, I’m donating my body to science. (Incrementally, by
way of Veterans Affairs research studies.) My initial study is investigating brain
functioning in veterans with diagnosed stress disorders and/or traumatic brain
injury. I spent a day clicking blinking computer boxes, memorizing words and
pictures, and counting backwards by threes (by FAR the hardest!). The study
also involved a lengthy psychological evaluation. As I prepared for that
section, I settled into my chair, ready to rehash what I’ve been discussing
with social workers, psychologists, and my unwitting creative writing classes for the
last two years.
I talked. The psychologist nodded, scribbling notes onto a series of
pages. She prompted me, I kept talking. Then there were no more pages and I had
nothing left to say, and, flipping back through her notebook, the psychologist
said, “Well, you’re definitely still exhibiting symptoms of low-grade PTSD.”
???????
This was not something I’d been told by the previous social workers or psychologists.
This is not the diagnosis reflected in my VA disability rating, which proclaims me a sufferer of Chronic
Adjustment Disorder . . . Is that the same thing?
“No,” the psychologist clarified, “they’re definitely different. What I
get from you is definitely PTSD.”
Definitely PTSD. Not an
official diagnosis, really. An opinion rendered in a non-treatment capacity,
one of many professional opinions I’ve received. The outlier. But hearing those
letters with my name brought an onslaught of emotions:
Affirmation – so that’s why I
feel and act the way I do. Maybe I’m justified, after all. (Followed quickly by
. . .)
Guilt – what right do I have to be linked with PTSD? I, who spent most
of my deployment behind a desk, who was never shot at, who never shot at anyone,
who was never blown up, who made it home safely with my entire unit. So
many horrible things I didn’t experience.
How can I be associated with veterans who did?
Weakness – maybe I am linked
with those who suffered more, and because I suffered less but had a similar
reaction, that makes me weak. They say everyone has a breaking point, maybe
mine came sooner than most. Maybe I was never meant to be a soldier.
Fear – if I do have PTSD, what does that mean? There are so many things
that scare me about that acronym, about the complication, the destruction it
can leave in its wake.
More guilt – how can I fear the things in others that I myself embody?
Ultimately, I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ve come a long way in the two
years I’ve been back from Afghanistan. In many ways, I think I’m stronger. I know I’m stronger. Those four letters
are merely scribbled in a research notebook. They hung in the air for a moment
over a table in a VA testing room, then disappeared.
But they seeped into my consciousness, where they’ve been gnawing at
me, making me think about how we view PTSD as a society – something that has
colored my perspective more than I’d like to admit.
Despite living on the fringes, I don’t understand PTSD. Most
people don't. My boyfriend,
Colin, had been lecturing on
PTSD for a couple years before he was officially diagnosed. When we started
dating, I was hesitant to get involved because of those four letters. Conversely,
I was convicted by my fear. If anyone can understand a veteran’s emotional
state, shouldn’t it be a fellow veteran?
PTSD is scary because it is unknown. Until recently, no one talked
about it; military mental health care has always been shrouded in stigma. Now,
it seems, as soon as the military is beginning to acknowledge the inevitable mental
and emotional affects of war, the issue is being sensationalized outside the
military, and veterans are stigmatized by the civilian community.
Lack of knowledge breeds misrepresentation and misunderstanding – two things
the media is famous for propagating.
In the latest example, on April 19, “Dr.” Phil (quotations added), aired a show titled “PTSD Takes Veterans from Heroes to Monsters.” As if the title
weren’t enough, it came with this
melodramatic ad.
Following heated response from the veteran community, the show’s name was changed to
“Heroes in Pain,” post-broadcast. But the message was already out. As they
stressed in public affairs training, the initial message is the one that
sticks.
Before Dr. Phil’s show, military mental health advocacy faced another
hurdle when U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales became the new face of modern
warfare after allegedly massacred 17 civilians in southern Afghanistan. For
many, Sergeant Bales has come to represent this generation of veterans: broken,
unstable, a hopeless tragedy.
Veteran unemployment continues at an unprecedented rate. There is no
denying the PTSD stigma plays a role. In the minds of employers, the “impressive
military resume” we were all promised upon enlistment is being weighed against
an imagined mental health resume.
No one wants to hire a Sgt. Bales. No one wants to associate with the
likes of those profiled on Dr. Phil: the drug addict, the husband who beats his
wife, the one who set his wife on fire.
To Dr. Phil’s audience, I’m Frankenstein.
To civilian employers, I’m a loose cannon.
To the VA, I’m damaged goods.
Amidst these messages, how am I supposed to view myself? How are veterans
dealing with the emotional scars of war supposed to respond to military messages
encouraging them to seek help when seeking help might lead to a diagnosis, and
a diagnosis might lead to labels and disenfranchisement?
A new debate, discussed in
this article, questions whether a name change would help alleviate the stigma around PTSD. Replacing "disorder" with "injury," for example, communicates that healing is possible.
Whatever you call it, the truth is, PTSD can be
scary. It can manifest in ways which,
when sufferers don’t get needed treatment and therapy, can lead to violent outbursts like the extreme examples above. These
examples are hard to ignore when they scream at us from every news broadcast. But they are the exception. There are
many more like Colin and me than like Sergeant Bales.
Mental health will always be an issue in the military. Just as combat
is in the job description, emotional and mental strain are among the expected
side effects. Mental health is a bigger issue than it needs to be because we
either don’t talk about it, or we talk about it in the wrong way. We ignore it,
or we sensationalize it.
On either end of the spectrum, the ones who suffer are the veterans.
And they have suffered enough.
